Creating a Safe Space for Your Man

Hey loves, in today’s video we are talking about 3 ways, Queens can create a safe space for the King in their life that makes them comfortable opening up and being vulnerable.

Shoutout to all the Kings who responded to my IG story with their thoughts.

One thing I forgot to say in the video with respect to the first point is to also recognize that our men have insecurities too so this is another reason why it’s so important to affirm them with your words instead of belittling them.

“Signed, Superwoman” (Revamped)

As I’m trying to expand my blog reach, I’ve recently joined a couple of websites and have started writing for them as a blog contributor.  Occasionally, I look through some of the blogs that I’ve written in the past and use them for contribution.  This was one of those cases.  Except, I think I tweaked it and improved it to be better than my original post (which you can find here) and the message is hopefully a lot more clear. This is not a typical blog post but instead written in a letter format. I want to dedicate it to all the Superwomen out there who have had to push past the pain of every hurt that they ever felt from any man. It is not meant to bash men but to help us, as women, learn to place our hearts in God’s hands and not a man’s hands. You keep pushing my sister and rely on that true strength that comes from within and always know that you can overcome ANYTHING. There’s a hero that lies in you! I hope you enjoy! ~Videllia

 

Dear Superman,

Wow.  I remember the moment I first met you.  You were like that superhero that every girl wants.  Without hesitation you swooped in and saved the day.  You rescued this damsel in distress and saved me from my pain.  You replaced past tears with temporary laughter.  You replaced insecurities with confidence.  You were my Superman…or so I thought.

Over time, the kryptonite that so ensued you began to leak over into my own life.  I could now see you for who you really were:  Clark Kent.

You weren’t my Superman; instead, you were just another typical guy – treating me so great in the beginning only to have me fizzle into an afterthought.  In fact, I think that I wanted you to be THAT GUY so badly that I overlooked all of the red flags, spiritual road blocks and downright feelings in my gut that were saying “no, this is not the one”.  I had placed you at the highest point of my life when the reality was you were a guy that didn’t deserve so much credit for my happiness.

Now that I’ve seen you for your reality, that fantasy that so carefully played in my head no longer exists.

  • You didn’t save me from my pain-in fact, you actually added to it. Nonetheless, God was the one that saved me.  (Ephesians 2:8)
  • You weren’t the source of my laughter or replaced tears.  I had finally walked the journey from forgiveness towards healing so there were no more tears.  (Matthew 6:14)
  • You didn’t make me confident.  I just finally woke up and realized my own worth. (Proverbs 3:15)

Wow! So the reality is, it was really ALL GOD and ALL ME that got me to this place that I’m in today.  Yet for so long, I had given you all the credit.  I had epitomized you to be this great man of power – this great superhero – that deserved all credit for the woman I am today. When, in fact, I’ve discovered that the real superhero is within me.download

With God on my side, I’ve pushed past the pain.  I pushed past all those tears. I pushed through the healing stages and all of the ups and downs that come with that. I pushed through the insecurities. I pushed through the feelings of a lack of self-worth. I pushed through towards confidence.

Yes…the real superhero has been in me this whole time and it just took me a lot longer to come to that realization. Oh, but now that I know it for myself, your acceptance or approval is no longer needed, wanted or sought after!  Nope! I no longer need to feel validated by you. I no longer need to feel worthy enough in your eyes. I no longer need to feel pretty enough for you.  The only justification I need in who I am is tied into WHOSE I am – I am a child of God – a daughter of the King.  And he told me that I am fearfully and wonderfully made, exactly as I am. That’s all the validation I need!

So… here I stand before you bold and confident in my God, my worth, who I am as a woman and most importantly, bold and confident knowing that you nor any other man will be able to break me again!

I stand as a Superwoman.

Signed,

superwoman

 

To all my other superwoman out there, be reminded of this:

“When you’ve felt all hope is gone, look inside you and be strong.  And you’ll finally see the truth.  That a hero lies in you.” ~Mariah Carey

Always remember that your worth is not tied into how a man views and treats you.  God has already outlined your worth in his scriptures when he compared a virtuous woman as being worth far more than rubies.  Rubies! One of the world’s most precious gems.  In fact, some research has shown that large rubies can be sold at even higher prices than diamonds!  So, your God obviously finds you to be worthy.  However, it is up to you to start walking in your true worth.  My prayer for you is that wherever you are in life – whether single, married, undecided, kicking it, cuddling, etc. – that you do not place all of the power of your heart and happiness into that person and instead give it all over to God.  And if you find yourself struggling to get out of a situation where you know you are not being treated the way you deserve, then I encourage you to rely on that hero – that superwoman – that’s inside of you!  Be blessed! ~Videllia

 

 

 

Dating…Not So Fast

In April 2016, I decided to take a no-dating fast since my friends were all concerned about my love life, or rather, lack thereof.

“You just don’t seem as excited about love anymore.”

“We’re concerned that you’ve gotten too comfortable being single. Don’t you still want to get married one day?”

While my friends meant well, they were actually pretty annoying (still love y’all!). I had finally gotten to a place in life where I was content dating Videllia. Who cares if I wasn’t actively searching for love anymore? I no longer spent my Friday nights worried about what “he” was doing, who “he” was with, or if “he” was thinking about me. I now only worried about what happy hour spot to visit, what to wear and how to do my hair. I was falling in love with Videllia – the one person I had neglected loving through all of my years of dating.

Still, my friends saw a shift in my attitude. But so what? I was tired of making poor choices in men only to have to constantly pick up the pieces of my heart.

 So, asking God to reveal anything within me that needed deliverance, I began my no-dating fast.

Isn’t it amazing how God will knock you off of your high horse to reveal that you are still the same broken and fragile person who needs him more than ever? In my devotional, “Pray While You Prey for Singles Part III,” the author wrote that she was no longer confident in her ability to choose a good man. She constantly feared that she would find herself in another situation where she was heartbroken so she didn’t put herself in a position to “choose” – she wouldn’t date. She had given herself so much power to make the decisions for her dating life that she had become paralyzed by her own fear.

How could it be that this woman knew EXACTLY how I felt? Sure, I’ve been smiling brighter and more boldly on the outside but when I got in bed each night, the tears still flowed.  The desire to be desired still existed.  The longing to be held and share my life with someone was still prevalent. I was content in being single – that much was true. However, what I didn’t realize, was that I had become paralyzed in my own contentment.

I had taken myself off of the dating scene not just because I wanted to be whole in Christ but because I was AFRAID TO DATE.

Afraid of being hurt and choosing another man who would hurt me and I worked too darn hard to heal from my past struggles to risk going through it again.

And that’s when it hit me. All of that power should not be placed on a man to fill my heart or on me to choose the right man. Instead, that power should have been given to God.

Does this sound like you? Perhaps, you have also become paralyzed by your own fear of making another “wrong” decision. Today, I want to encourage you to give that power of choice back to God.  That responsibility is too great for our sinful, fleshly natures to handle alone.  It is God that will bring you healing, restore your confidence and deliver that man for you.

You can’t allow your fear of being hurt to paralyze and cripple you into never stepping back out there.  Release it all to God and watch how he comes in and protects you on your single journey.

For my protection, God has allowed certain men to walk out of my life when I wanted them to stay because he knew they would be toxic for me. In hindsight, He was absolutely right! (Can I get an AMEN for closed doors?!)

Our God will do the same for you. Once you release all power to him, he will not only guide you through your singleness but he will protect your heart as well.

That is why it’s imperative that we make Christ the center of our hearts so that a man must seek HIM first in order to find us!

Let me pray for you…

“Lord we relinquish and release all power to you. Only you know what’s best for us. You know the desires of our hearts and only you can bless us with an exceeding and abundant overflow of love. Help us not to be paralyzed by our own fears anymore. Amen.”

-Videllia

Half on a Baby

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A few weeks ago, a friend text me.  “How do I tell the truth without sounding judgmental or super saved?”

“What happened?” I replied.

“One of my friends is considering getting pregnant because she wants to have a baby before 30.  She’s not married. I’m just like you want God to bless you to get pregnant and have a healthy pregnancy but you want to go out of his will to get it.” She stated.

The conversation continued with us both first acknowledging that neither of us have been perfect on this single journey. However, one thing that we have both learned is that when you want God to come in your situation, you have to also be willing to live by his standards.

As Christian women, we are quick to pray to God to bring that God-fearing, albeit, super attractive, husband in our lives.  We want a one-size fits all solution -send us a man QUICKLY and we’ll be good to go!

That is NOT the case.  While it is very easy to ask for God to come in our situations and change them, the challenging part is truly giving it all to God even if He doesn’t respond to us the way we want Him to. Ouch huh? As I’m writing this, I find myself laughing when I think about the err of my own Christian ways.  When I was younger, I thought that I was surrendering all to God.  Then, when things didn’t go my way, I’d take back control over the very thing I had given to God.

This is equally true for many people out there.  We tend to put God on these spiritual deadlines.  Lord, I’m going to wait for you to send me a man. Three weeks later, we’re swiping right or left, pulling out the freakum dress or scrolling through our phone’s contact list, contemplating if we should reach out to our ex or the guy we specifically saved as “Don’t Answer” because we know he only wants one thing.  Ladies that is NOT the definition of surrender.

By definition, surrender means to “agree to stop fighting, hiding, resisting, etc. because you know you will not win; to give the control or use of something to someone else.”  Total surrender to God means giving God ALL of your situation no matter what the outcome may be because you know that without God, you will not be successful by your own measures. John 15:5 (NIV) says, “I am the vine, you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.” Without God in our lives and in our situations, we can do absolutely nothing.  All things are made possible because of Him! (Matthew 19:26).

The young lady above had done what many of you (and I) do daily. She put God on a deadline. In all actuality, she gave God an ultimatum.  Lord I’m going to trust you up and until I reach the age of 30 and if you haven’t made things happen in my life by then, I’m going to take back control and create my family myself.

How many of you can relate to this?

Maybe it’s not having a baby but maybe it’s something else.  Maybe it’s just the act of making a baby J. “Lord I’m going to remain celibate to you until you send me the man you want.” That was my commitment. And I must admit that when I initially made that commitment, I did it EXPECTING God to deliver a man wrapped in a bow in a year or two. Honey let me tell you, I am STILL waiting haha.  And it has been some YEARS now (pray saints! Haha).  While it has been very challenging, I have not compromised (much) while I’m waiting. (Still a work in progress over here J.)

And still, maybe it’s not sex for you. Maybe it’s something else.  However, no matter what it may be, do not get discouraged on this journey. I know the world will have you think your clock is ticking but remember that with God all things are possible.  Learn to truly surrender your situations COMPLETELY to Him and remain patient in your waiting. Your very best husband can only be hand-picked by our very best Creator. And He wants to make sure that he is just right for you! J

 “All to Jesus, I surrender. All to Him, I freely give. I will ever love and trust Him. In his presence daily live. I surrender all.”

-Videllia

Why I Don’t “Netflix and Chill”

I’m 28. Single. Woman of God. Believer in the Christian faith. But the men I meet? Boy oh boy!

Now before some of you say, “yeah right”, “she lying”, or something similar, let me stop you in your tracks and explain.

To say that I’ve never “Netflix’d and chilled” would be a lie out of the pit of hell. Haha. “My name is Videllia and I am a recovering Netflix and chill addict.” Okay, I’m not really an addict but I have done it before on a couple of occasions. And I’m not going to lie to you, during the times that I did it, I actually enjoyed it. I mean, let’s be honest. It felt nice to lay on the couch and cuddle with somebody even if for a moment. That was the extent of my Netflix and chill rendezvous (though I know some of ya’lls Netflix and chill nights end up turning into something more…it’s all good, no judgment here haha ).

fusion.net Netflix
Courtesy of fusion.net

So yes, I have done the Netflix and chill before, however, as I’ve taken myself off of the dating circuit this past year and have started working on me (which most of us actually don’t take the time to do), I realized that I am a woman worth more than that. No, fellas, I’m not saying you have to spend an arm and a leg to get at me (though the Bible does say I am worth more than rubies so don’t you forget that lol). What I am saying is that because I now know and realize my worth, I know that I’m a woman who deserves effort. I deserve courtship. I deserve a man who is intentional about his feelings and where he sees this going.  I deserve more than a drive by date where you get to enjoy spending those intimate moments with me and then you leave to go spend the same (if not more) intimate moments with someone else.  I deserve more than what you would offer some basic chick because I’m not basic. *Shrugs*

So, no.  I don’t Netflix and chill…anymore (not unless this is a man that I’ve been consistently dating, or in a relationship with, and even then, I still set boundaries which always consist of the man leaving at a certain time.  There are no Netflix, chill and sleepovers occurring even with a guy I’m regularly dating).  Ladies, when you finally wake up and realize your worth for yourself, you will discover that the things that used to appeal to you no longer live up to your standards. That’s what happened to me a year or so ago and I want to encourage you to take the same journey. Continue reading “Why I Don’t “Netflix and Chill””