Episode 2 – “Finally Got A Man…Now What?”

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So as is common among women – we finally get into a new relationship after having been single for so long and now we don’t know what to do with ourselves.  We love the idea of being with this new man however, there’s still some lingering doubt in our minds.  Is this the one? Could this be real? What if he isn’t telling me the truth? What if he isn’t where he says he is? What if he is cheating on me? What if he is losing interest in me? What if he is just another man that’s going to break my heart?

Well I’m hear to tell you to STOP. Yes, STOP ladies.  Like, first of all, if you have allowed yourself to get into a relationship with a trashbag dude then this podcast isn’t for you. Lol. I’m not going to sit here and tell you that it’s going to work out, that you two are going to make it or any of those other things that your friends are telling you when they need to be telling you the truth. If he was a trashbag dude from the beginning you won’t be able to change him.  Men change when they are ready, not when YOU are ready. Point. Blank. Period. Sorry to break it to ya sis.

This podcast, however, is for the ladies out there who have found themselves a good man but also find themselves hurt from previous relationships and realize that all of that doubt that creeps into their minds stems from their own fears. Ladies – you cannot allow the pain of the past or the fear of the present to dictate your future! 

If this man hasn’t given you a reason to believe that he isn’t telling you the truth, that he’s cheating on you or that he’s going to break your heart then why are you giving so much energy to those negative thoughts?! Your relationship is going to pass you by and you’re not going to be able to enjoy it because you’re so busy focusing on the what ifs.

Even more – are you taking all of that negative energy to your man?  Are you constantly asking him where he’s at and who he’s with?  Are you constantly checking your phone craving a text message from him because you fear he’s lost interest?  Are you constantly asking him about life goals and where he sees a future going because you’re unsure if he’s the one?

Look ladybug, I’m happy that you finally got a man.  Heck I finally got my man in January 2017 after a four-year hiatus!  BUT if you are not fully healed from your past then you are already bringing complications into your relationship. I speak from experience. Instead of wondering where he’s at and who he’s with, you need to ask yourself why are you insecure?  Instead of wondering if he’s the one, you need to ask yourself why you are trying to rush into marriage?  Instead of wondering if he’s losing interest in you and checking your phone every five minutes, you need to channel that energy and find yourself some things to do outside of your man!  Ladies trust me when I tell you, men aren’t as emotional as us so they don’t realize that texting throughout the day, talking everyday etc. are things we like.  BUT, that doesn’t mean that they aren’t thinking about us.  In my opinion, they just do a better job about balancing their life and their priorities while we are guilty of making them our top and only priority.  Find yourself some hobbies boo and I bet you’ll begin to see things differently.

All in all I just want to encourage you to focus on healing first, to let go of the pains of your past and fear of being hurt and enjoy what life is presenting right in front of you – your man.

Lord knows I’m enjoying every bit of my man and I hope that you enjoy every bit of yours.

Until next time queens, be empowered.

~Videllia

This has been a Videllia Davis production. Be sure you are following me on social media @only1lady_v or on my website: http://www.only1v.com

“He’s Just Not That Into You”

A friend sent me the picture below not too long ago and it instantly reminded me of a time in my life (well let’s be honest here – SEVERAL times in my life lol) where I was all sad because I found myself interested in a man who obviously was not interested in me.  I remember one specific time, texting my friend these little crying face emoji’s (I know pathetic right? lol) as I was reminiscing on the times that I had shared with a man of my past that I no longer shared.

But then reality hit? What times did we actually share?

img_20161107_201555The late night text messages asking me to come over whenever it was convenient for him? The occasional meal that we shared only for weeks to go by in between when I would hear from him again?  The pretending like he didn’t know me in public but trying to be profess his “love” for me in private? When I actually stopped to take time to think about it – we didn’t really have any memorable moments for me to be sad at! In fact, the only thing that that man had done in my life was actually draw me further away from God. I began to put him on the throne instead of God. But still, I knew he liked me.  I mean, sure, it took him a while to respond and he never initiated conversations or dates or whatever but he was just busy right?

Does any of that sound familiar? Oh no? So you gone act like it was just me out here making excuses for these men huh? Lol, that’s okay.  The first step towards getting better for your life is admitting when you’ve been wrong. You see, as women, we make excuses for a man’s actions instead of accepting it for what it is.  If a man is interested in you (and not just your body, what you can do for him, etc.), he will show it.  Point. Blank. Period.  And guess what? You won’t have to convince yourself that he’s into you. You’ll just know it!

Something that we do often is try to create pieces to fit into a puzzle that were never destined to be there.  Still confused? Simply put, there is no sense in trying to force something that God never intended for you to have in the first place.  And just in case, you glossed over that part, let me repeat it to you–

THERE IS NO SENSE IN TRYING TO FORCE SOMETHING THAT GOD NEVER INTENDED FOR YOU TO HAVE IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!

Write that down. Say it out loud. Make it your background on your phone. Go all Being Mary Jane with it, if you must!  Whatever you have to do to remind yourself that you deserve more then do it! You deserve someone who will initiate phone calls (and not just text messages), who will actually plan a date (instead of telling you to come over and Netflix and Chill), who will let you know where you stand in his life (instead of showing you he wants all the benefits of a boyfriend/husband without actually committing to you), who will tell you when he’s thinking about you (instead of ignoring you), and who is consistently around and trying to be around you.  And anyone who isn’t doing those things simply just isn’t into you beautiful.

You deserve a man who will make you a priority so stop settling for less! God’s very best man is out there and he’s ready to show you the world. Shining, shimmering, splendid. (Sorry, I really love the movie Aladdin and that song is my jam lol).

Until next time loves….know your worth!

~Videllia

Dating…Not So Fast

In April 2016, I decided to take a no-dating fast since my friends were all concerned about my love life, or rather, lack thereof.

“You just don’t seem as excited about love anymore.”

“We’re concerned that you’ve gotten too comfortable being single. Don’t you still want to get married one day?”

While my friends meant well, they were actually pretty annoying (still love y’all!). I had finally gotten to a place in life where I was content dating Videllia. Who cares if I wasn’t actively searching for love anymore? I no longer spent my Friday nights worried about what “he” was doing, who “he” was with, or if “he” was thinking about me. I now only worried about what happy hour spot to visit, what to wear and how to do my hair. I was falling in love with Videllia – the one person I had neglected loving through all of my years of dating.

Still, my friends saw a shift in my attitude. But so what? I was tired of making poor choices in men only to have to constantly pick up the pieces of my heart.

 So, asking God to reveal anything within me that needed deliverance, I began my no-dating fast.

Isn’t it amazing how God will knock you off of your high horse to reveal that you are still the same broken and fragile person who needs him more than ever? In my devotional, “Pray While You Prey for Singles Part III,” the author wrote that she was no longer confident in her ability to choose a good man. She constantly feared that she would find herself in another situation where she was heartbroken so she didn’t put herself in a position to “choose” – she wouldn’t date. She had given herself so much power to make the decisions for her dating life that she had become paralyzed by her own fear.

How could it be that this woman knew EXACTLY how I felt? Sure, I’ve been smiling brighter and more boldly on the outside but when I got in bed each night, the tears still flowed.  The desire to be desired still existed.  The longing to be held and share my life with someone was still prevalent. I was content in being single – that much was true. However, what I didn’t realize, was that I had become paralyzed in my own contentment.

I had taken myself off of the dating scene not just because I wanted to be whole in Christ but because I was AFRAID TO DATE.

Afraid of being hurt and choosing another man who would hurt me and I worked too darn hard to heal from my past struggles to risk going through it again.

And that’s when it hit me. All of that power should not be placed on a man to fill my heart or on me to choose the right man. Instead, that power should have been given to God.

Does this sound like you? Perhaps, you have also become paralyzed by your own fear of making another “wrong” decision. Today, I want to encourage you to give that power of choice back to God.  That responsibility is too great for our sinful, fleshly natures to handle alone.  It is God that will bring you healing, restore your confidence and deliver that man for you.

You can’t allow your fear of being hurt to paralyze and cripple you into never stepping back out there.  Release it all to God and watch how he comes in and protects you on your single journey.

For my protection, God has allowed certain men to walk out of my life when I wanted them to stay because he knew they would be toxic for me. In hindsight, He was absolutely right! (Can I get an AMEN for closed doors?!)

Our God will do the same for you. Once you release all power to him, he will not only guide you through your singleness but he will protect your heart as well.

That is why it’s imperative that we make Christ the center of our hearts so that a man must seek HIM first in order to find us!

Let me pray for you…

“Lord we relinquish and release all power to you. Only you know what’s best for us. You know the desires of our hearts and only you can bless us with an exceeding and abundant overflow of love. Help us not to be paralyzed by our own fears anymore. Amen.”

-Videllia

Half on a Baby

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A few weeks ago, a friend text me.  “How do I tell the truth without sounding judgmental or super saved?”

“What happened?” I replied.

“One of my friends is considering getting pregnant because she wants to have a baby before 30.  She’s not married. I’m just like you want God to bless you to get pregnant and have a healthy pregnancy but you want to go out of his will to get it.” She stated.

The conversation continued with us both first acknowledging that neither of us have been perfect on this single journey. However, one thing that we have both learned is that when you want God to come in your situation, you have to also be willing to live by his standards.

As Christian women, we are quick to pray to God to bring that God-fearing, albeit, super attractive, husband in our lives.  We want a one-size fits all solution -send us a man QUICKLY and we’ll be good to go!

That is NOT the case.  While it is very easy to ask for God to come in our situations and change them, the challenging part is truly giving it all to God even if He doesn’t respond to us the way we want Him to. Ouch huh? As I’m writing this, I find myself laughing when I think about the err of my own Christian ways.  When I was younger, I thought that I was surrendering all to God.  Then, when things didn’t go my way, I’d take back control over the very thing I had given to God.

This is equally true for many people out there.  We tend to put God on these spiritual deadlines.  Lord, I’m going to wait for you to send me a man. Three weeks later, we’re swiping right or left, pulling out the freakum dress or scrolling through our phone’s contact list, contemplating if we should reach out to our ex or the guy we specifically saved as “Don’t Answer” because we know he only wants one thing.  Ladies that is NOT the definition of surrender.

By definition, surrender means to “agree to stop fighting, hiding, resisting, etc. because you know you will not win; to give the control or use of something to someone else.”  Total surrender to God means giving God ALL of your situation no matter what the outcome may be because you know that without God, you will not be successful by your own measures. John 15:5 (NIV) says, “I am the vine, you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.” Without God in our lives and in our situations, we can do absolutely nothing.  All things are made possible because of Him! (Matthew 19:26).

The young lady above had done what many of you (and I) do daily. She put God on a deadline. In all actuality, she gave God an ultimatum.  Lord I’m going to trust you up and until I reach the age of 30 and if you haven’t made things happen in my life by then, I’m going to take back control and create my family myself.

How many of you can relate to this?

Maybe it’s not having a baby but maybe it’s something else.  Maybe it’s just the act of making a baby J. “Lord I’m going to remain celibate to you until you send me the man you want.” That was my commitment. And I must admit that when I initially made that commitment, I did it EXPECTING God to deliver a man wrapped in a bow in a year or two. Honey let me tell you, I am STILL waiting haha.  And it has been some YEARS now (pray saints! Haha).  While it has been very challenging, I have not compromised (much) while I’m waiting. (Still a work in progress over here J.)

And still, maybe it’s not sex for you. Maybe it’s something else.  However, no matter what it may be, do not get discouraged on this journey. I know the world will have you think your clock is ticking but remember that with God all things are possible.  Learn to truly surrender your situations COMPLETELY to Him and remain patient in your waiting. Your very best husband can only be hand-picked by our very best Creator. And He wants to make sure that he is just right for you! J

 “All to Jesus, I surrender. All to Him, I freely give. I will ever love and trust Him. In his presence daily live. I surrender all.”

-Videllia

Why I Don’t “Netflix and Chill”

I’m 28. Single. Woman of God. Believer in the Christian faith. But the men I meet? Boy oh boy!

Now before some of you say, “yeah right”, “she lying”, or something similar, let me stop you in your tracks and explain.

To say that I’ve never “Netflix’d and chilled” would be a lie out of the pit of hell. Haha. “My name is Videllia and I am a recovering Netflix and chill addict.” Okay, I’m not really an addict but I have done it before on a couple of occasions. And I’m not going to lie to you, during the times that I did it, I actually enjoyed it. I mean, let’s be honest. It felt nice to lay on the couch and cuddle with somebody even if for a moment. That was the extent of my Netflix and chill rendezvous (though I know some of ya’lls Netflix and chill nights end up turning into something more…it’s all good, no judgment here haha ).

fusion.net Netflix
Courtesy of fusion.net

So yes, I have done the Netflix and chill before, however, as I’ve taken myself off of the dating circuit this past year and have started working on me (which most of us actually don’t take the time to do), I realized that I am a woman worth more than that. No, fellas, I’m not saying you have to spend an arm and a leg to get at me (though the Bible does say I am worth more than rubies so don’t you forget that lol). What I am saying is that because I now know and realize my worth, I know that I’m a woman who deserves effort. I deserve courtship. I deserve a man who is intentional about his feelings and where he sees this going.  I deserve more than a drive by date where you get to enjoy spending those intimate moments with me and then you leave to go spend the same (if not more) intimate moments with someone else.  I deserve more than what you would offer some basic chick because I’m not basic. *Shrugs*

So, no.  I don’t Netflix and chill…anymore (not unless this is a man that I’ve been consistently dating, or in a relationship with, and even then, I still set boundaries which always consist of the man leaving at a certain time.  There are no Netflix, chill and sleepovers occurring even with a guy I’m regularly dating).  Ladies, when you finally wake up and realize your worth for yourself, you will discover that the things that used to appeal to you no longer live up to your standards. That’s what happened to me a year or so ago and I want to encourage you to take the same journey. Continue reading “Why I Don’t “Netflix and Chill””

One and Only

Can I be your one and only?

The one you can always depend on.

I’ll be your number one cheerleader,

From sundown to breaking dawn.

 

Can I be your one and only?

The one you long for.

Whenever you’re feeling lonely,

Baby I’ll come – look I’m here – knocking at your door.

 

Can I be your one and only?

The one that relieves all your stress.

A massage? Dinner? No problem!

I’ll do my very best.

 

Can I be your one and only?

Even when you’re miles away.

Your morning, noon and night;

The brightest part of all your days.

 

Can I be your one and only?

The one you are proud to show your friends.

And who you know in your heart,

Will be your ride or die until the end.

 

Can I be your one and only?

Your one true queen.

Treating you with the respect and love you deserve,

Fitting for you, my King.

 

Can I be your one and only?

Wait, I think it finally hit me.

More than anything I now know that

I just want to be your one and only.

 

© Videllia Davis, 2016