A friend of mine posted this picture to my Facebook page and told me it reminded them of me.
That made me smile.
You see I have been in 4 serious relationships in my life-none of which were God’s best for me. One guy turned out to be bisexual. One was immature (we both had some growing up to do). One was verbally and emotionally abusive to me (see that blog post here). And one was a liar/manipulator, dating me and several other women at the same time (which I later found out about-long story). So, um, yeah lol. Not necessarily the best relationships. You would think after all of that heartbreak that I would give up on love right? Not at all.
I know people say being single sucks. And if I’m honest-sometimes it can be lonely. Especially those times when you just want to be held or have someone wipe away your tears. Ooh or when the winter weather comes around and you just want to cuddle. (I probably don’t need to be cuddling anyway; that only leads to other things and I’m trying to maintain my holy lifestyle haha!)
But even through all of that, I’ve learned that being single also holds so much promise! I can wake up, go to work, come home and not cook a thing!!! I don’t have to help a child with their homework, hear about my husband’s boring day at work, pretend to be interested in the latest NBA/NFL. I don’t have to spend my money on diapers or tons of groceries. I can call my friends and say hey lets drive to New Orleans or book a flight to the Bahamas and I don’t have to get permission from anyone. There’s just so much freedom in being single that can actually be enjoyed if you take the time to enjoy it.
I know people make fun of singles as though being single is like having leprosy-like it’s a disease. But I’m here to tell you that being single is a lifestyle choice. Yes, it’s a choice. Trust me. I am NOT single for lack of options. That’s not being conceited. That’s being real. I am single, however, because I choose to wait for God’s very best man for my life. I choose to wait for that King. I don’t want to just settle for any man. I want the BEST man.
I’m almost 27 and I still have not given up hope. I do believe that my King is out there somewhere. But during my time of waiting on God, I have learned some very important principles in being single. So I’m going to share them with you and hopefully my learning experiences will encourage someone else out there who is feeling down about being single.
Truth #1: “If you aren’t happy being single, you won’t be happy taken. That happiness comes from within, NOT from men!” (from thatonerule.com)
How can we expect someone else to be happy with us when we can’t even be happy with ourselves? Ladies (and gents) this is probably the biggest mistake we can make as single people. We get so discouraged from being alone and seeing everyone else’s Facebook statuses, Instagram posts, etc that we think we need those same kinds of relationships in order to be happy. That is not true! You have to first learn to be content being by yourself before you can bring someone else into your life.
During my time of being single, I have learned to date myself. I take myself out to movies, to the lake, to dinner, to a play, etc. Whatever it is I want to do, I just do it. I know it may sound lame and lonely but it is during these quiet moments with myself that I learn more about who I really am as a woman. It is during these moments that I hear God speaking to my heart and can feel him mold and shape me into the woman he called me to be.
Life can be so full of distractions-from husbands, to kids, to work, etc and these distractions often limit our interaction with God. But when you’re single, you have so much more time to devote to your relationship with God. So learn to embrace this period of your life and take full advantage of what God is doing for you and what God is doing to you. He is trying to develop you and shape you into who he needs you to be. Remember, your identity is ultimately in Christ, and not just in being a boyfriend, girlfriend, husband or wife.
Truth #2: You (may) have to kiss a lot more frogs before you find your Prince Charming.
It’s a sad truth but it is the truth nonetheless. It’s unfortunate that so many people out there are into playing games and using people. I mean look at my relationship history. I’m not exactly the poster girl for best relationships (haha). I’ve kissed 4 serious frogs and several other toads in between. And though all of those relationships broke my heart or devastated me in some way, I WILL NOT let that break me. The reality is not every person that you meet is meant to stay in your life forever. But don’t be discouraged and don’t close your heart off to future love. He IS coming. Your
Prince-scratch that-your KING is coming. (A Queen needs a King. Not just a Prince.) Continue to wait on your King.
Truth #3: Everything that looks good to you ain’t always good for you.
Stamp this onto your hearts!!! Ladies, just because he got a muscular body, green eyes, says all the right things etc DOES NOT mean he is the man for you. Gents, just because she’s a size 6 or has some curves, has long flowing hair, and is educated DOES NOT mean she is the woman for you. And this is where we, as singles, have to take some responsibilities for our own actions here. Sometimes we tend to ignore red flags and warning signs because of the words a person says, the way they look or, dare I say, the way they put it down in the bedroom. But we have to stop falling in love with the idea of who a person could be (their potential) versus who they really are (their reality).
I’ve made that mistake too many times and it left me with nothing but heartbreaks when I realized that the man I loved was really not the man standing right in front of me. Sure he was sexy and said all the right things. In fact, in all of those 4 relationships the man was attractive and/or said everything I wanted to hear. But still, he was not the man for me. Don’t let that same mistake I made lead to your next heartbreak! Believe reality, not potential!
Truth #4: Sex does NOT fix broken relationships!!!!!!
OMG!!! This is one truth I am probably most passionate about. I often get asked why I choose not to have sex. First, of all, it’s my business whether or not I want to have sex. Second and most importantly, I choose to not have sex because it creates soul-ties between you and that person. Check out this picture to the right and think of all the people who you’ve ever slept with (or wanted to sleep with). This picture shows what you are ultimately doing to yourself as everybody that you sleep with becomes an intricate part of who you are. I mean imagine all of those women/men inside of you at the same time (pretty gross huh?).
And please stop thinking that having sex with someone will get them to stay with you. I have been cheated on regardless of whether or not sex was involved. Trust me, it does not get them to stay.
The picture to the right was posted in an article the other day by Kimberly Jones Pothier and she said that “the right mate for you will PRAY for your soul, not PREY on your soul. He will push you closer to Christ, not away from him.” Let THAT be how you determine that right woman and man for you; not sex.
Truth #5: Your worth is not defined by what others think of you but instead of how you think of yourself!
I cannot reiterate this point enough. You cannot learn to love anyone else if you first don’t know how to love yourself!!!! If you wake up and hate everything about you, how can you possibly love things about someone else? Further, these insecurities that you have with yourself will often cloud your decision-making. Being insecure will cause you to fall for a man or woman who says all the right things but YOU KNOW deep down in your heart, they aren’t good for you. Please, learn to love yourself in and out, flaws and all, before you start trying to love someone else.
We are not perfect people. I’m not perfect. I have flaws just like the next person but I am imperfectly me. I’m the only “me” out there and there’s no other woman out there like me (you better believe that!). So I have to be confident in being exactly who I am. It’s been a journey but I have learned to love myself and to not allow someone else to place a value on my life. The bible tells me “I’m worth more than rubies” (Prov 31:10). What that means is that I’m a precious gem, something so valuable that my worth is far greater than anything else. And I’m here to tell you the same thing: YOU ARE A PRECIOUS GEM! You are worth more than all the rubies in all the world! If you didn’t know you better ask somebody!
Truth #6: He came back into my life so it must mean we are meant to be-WRONG!!!
Mandy Hale says “trust that the people who strayed from your path don’t belong there anyway. Not everybody can go where you’re going.” Sometimes those men and women that left us did exactly what they were supposed to do: LEAVE! Not everyone that’s entered into your life is meant to stay forever. “To everything there is a season and a time to every purpose under the heaven”. (Ecc 3:1) That means that some people are only meant to be in your life for a season. Nothing more, nothing less. So when they come back into your life, stop lying to yourself and telling yourself that Jesus brought them back. No he didn’t! By letting these people back into your life, you are allowing room for that same person to come back and break your heart again.
So what does that man/woman look like?
When I envision the man of my dreams, I imagine having that same feeling that I get when I’m in God’s presence. You know that feeling when you know God’s smiling at you like you’re the only person in the room, when God whispers to you I love you, when God let’s you know he will always be there for you and that you can relax and just be yourself and he will love you anyway…that’s what love looks like to me.
You see I want a man who loves God so much that he will also love me the way God loves us: unconditionally and through all of our flaws and imperfections. And as I wait on that man, my task (and your task ladies) is to simply hide your heart in Christ. You heard that saying right, “a woman’s heart should be so hidden in Christ that a man has to seek HIM first in order to find her”. What that means, is that the man God has for you will have to seek God first in order to find you. So STOP BEING THIRSTY! Stop trying to do everything under the sun to get a man’s attention and just wait and let that man find you.
Look, I don’t profess to have all the answers for love. The 6 truths I’ve listed above are things that I have learned and am still learning when it comes to understanding relationships and understanding myself. I know I would definitely rather continue being single than to be in the wrong relationship with the wrong guy OR to meet the right guy but at the wrong time (because I haven’t truly learned to love myself and understand the truths that I mentioned before).
© Videllia Davis – “I Am Me”. All Rights Reserved.